Tuesday, December 1, 2009

baby steps

We're one step closer to the goal, friends! While our progress may be slow, we are one step closer.

I had my post-op appointment with the fertility specialist today, and it looks like IUI Attempt #1 will be kicking off on or around December 19th. I cannot begin to articulate everything I'm feeling right now.

Certainly I'm excited. Ridiculously, perilously excited. This is it. After nearly three and a half years of trying, trying, trying on our own without success, and three months of general (and largely unpleasant) STUFF under the care of the fertility specialist, we're finally at the doorstep of the only fertility treatment we plan to pursue, the one we're hanging our hopes on. All of our hopes.

For that reason, I'm also scared. Because, ultimately, my Super Doctor said that we have a 20% chance of achieving pregnancy in any of the four months we plan to do IUI. During those four months, 50% of couples will conceive and 50% won't. If we're in the 50% who don't, that's it. The end of the road. The natural pessimist in me fears we'll be in the latter group, but I'm trying to ignore that side of myself and just hope.

Hope. Yes, I'm hopeful. I'm tremendously hopeful. All of the tests that have been done on both me and Super Man have come back normal. We're in that 15-20% of infertile couples who have infertility with no known cause. Which could simply mean that the problem for us is not one of the mainstream easily identifiable problems, or it could mean that we just haven't gotten the stars to align correctly doing our own thing, and by bringing all the players closer together, throwing in some Clomid, and timing the heck out of the process, we might finally hit the jackpot. I'm inclined to HOPE for the latter scenario!

I'm also incredibly emotional right now. Heck, as a Catholic, I can't even think about Christmas marking the birth of BABY JESUS because that alone makes me cry. Seeing babies (or pregnant bellies), hearing about babies (or pregnant bellies), seeing pictures of babies (or pregnant bellies), thinking about babies (or pregnant bellies)... all of it reduces me to a teary-eyed mess right now. I suppose that's as it should be, since it totally reinforces for me and the rest of the world that I want a second child so badly that the sheer wanting of it is painful and heart-wrenching.

And there is a small part of me that is relieved to be at this part of the process, finally. Regardless of the outcome, this will give me the answer I've been seeking for so long now. Will our family expand one last time, or will it remain as it is? So much of my life has hung in the balance waiting for that answer - and that's no way to live, take it from me. The "what if" is always hanging in the back of my mind, coloring every decision I have to make about the near - and far - future. If I achieve and sustain pregnancy from one of the four IUI attempts, at least I know how the next few years of my life will be spent. If I don't achieve or sustain pregnancy, then everything is up in the air, open to change, a book yet to be written. I've spent so much time dreading the latter outcome because it's not what I WANT, but it's come to the point where I've had to make peace with the fact that it might BE the outcome. And, if it is, I need to embrace that and accept it and make my peace with it, for my sake and that of my whole family. So, while I pray that this will end with another healthy, wonderful baby, I will feel some sense of relief just to have a clear sense of direction to my life after years of waiting for the answer to be revealed.

I'm also finding myself daydreaming about how Super Boy and Super Girl would handle a new addition to the family. Super Boy has longed to be a "big brother" for so long now that I know he will be ecstatic to finally fill that role. On the other hand, I have no doubt that it will be a big adjustment for him. He's been the baby of our family for six and a half years, and he LIKES being the baby - most of the time. He's used to having my undivided attention as the major focus of my life. I think he will struggle a bit to pass the mantle on to a new baby, but hopefully he will quickly learn that my love for him can never be diminished or divided. He will always be my first baby, my angel, my boy. As for Super Girl, who will be 14 in a few months, she keeps saying she hopes I have twins! She's all for us having another baby, and - at her age - she understands that we've faced challenges in trying to achieve that. I know she will be helpful again, as she was with Super Boy - and even MORE SO now, since I could probably get her to change a poopy diaper this time! She was only seven years old when Super Boy was born (the age Super Boy will be when I would deliver another baby, if this all works), so she was pretty dead-set on only helping with the occasional "pee only" diaper changes. ;)

So, that's where it's at right now. A whirlwind of stuff this month, and I couldn't be happier!

Love and kisses,
SW

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