Tuesday, December 29, 2009

wondering

Hello and Happy Holidays, friends!

I'm so sorry for not posting lately. I've had a lot - A LOT - going on in the past two weeks. My stress level has been inordinately high, too, but that's another story for another time. And, really, I'm sure many of you have experienced higher-than-usual levels of stress lately, too, what with the holidays and all the usual gatherings and all.

But I can't blame my absence entirely on holiday busy-ness and stress; I've also neglected my writing lately because I just don't know what to say. I've been in a bit of a limbo the past few weeks.

As you know, Super Man and I went through our first IUI procedure on December 16. It's been a long two weeks of waiting to see if it worked, and I still don't know. I'm not supposed to test until tomorrow, and then only if my period hasn't come.

I'm nervous. Anxious. Hopeful. Cautious.

Friends and family ask me if I "have a feeling" one way or the other. It's hard to answer that question. Because I WANT to have a feeling that I'm pregnant and, I don't know about you, but when I want something badly enough I can convince myself that I feel something I may not really feel, you know?

It's also hard to answer that question because I don't trust my "feelings" on this subject. Not one bit. Why, you might ask? Because when I was trying for Super Boy, it went like this:

Month #1: Was 100% convinced that I was pregnant and had all the standard pregnancy symptoms. Yet I was not pregnant.

Month #2: Was 100% convinced that I was pregnant and had all the standard pregnancy symptoms. Yet I was not pregnant.

Month #3: Was 100% convinced that I was NOT pregnant, and had all the usual PMS symptoms. Yet I actually WAS pregnant.

So, you can see that I'm not the best at gauging how I feel physically when it comes to guessing whether I'm pregnant or not. I've been trying to avoid doing that as much as possible the past few weeks.

(I do have SOME sense of self-preservation, despite all indications to the contrary.)

That said, I have been bone-tired, completely exhausted and could fall asleep at the drop of a hat for the past week. Could be baby-brewing, but could be the stress.

So I'm sitting here on this frigid, sunny late December afternoon, wondering. Am I pregnant with another child? (Or two?) (...Or more? Eeek!) Or am I going to be disappointed another month running because IUI failed this month?

The thought of us welcoming a new member to our family in late August or early September sure is sweet. I hope it is a dream come true.

Let me say now - just in case - that if it turns out that I AM pregnant, I haven't yet decided whether I'll post it here right away or not. My personality is such that I was virtually unable to keep the wonderful, blessed news a secret when I was pregnant with Super Boy seven years ago, and thankfully it didn't present a problem for me then because the pregnancy stuck and was by all accounts a great success. But I know that's not always the case. And after all these years of trying for another baby, I'm not sure if I could take announcing the happy news only to have to retract it due to miscarriage in the early weeks. I guess I'll make the decision once I know the news myself. But if I do withhold the information for a little bit, I hope you'll understand that it's not about me not wanting to share it with those of you who have followed our journey and wished us the best. Again, it's just that self-preservation thing I mentioned earlier, and needing to protect my heart just a little bit.

As 2009 winds to a close I wish you all the happiest of New Years, and pray that all your dreams come true in 2010!

With love,
Average Everyday Super Woman

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