Friday, April 23, 2010

why

Things are not looking good for IUI attempt #3. And, to be honest, I'm genuinely surprised this time. Which only makes it hurt that much worse.

I've felt like I was pregnant, since about a week after IUI. My breasts - normally small and normal - have been HUGE (for me) and painful since then, and I've been feeling nauseous frequently throughout the day for the past week. When I feel hungry, it's not just a little hungry, like usual: I'm instantly ravenous. My mouth has been watering like crazy. I've been tired.

I'd been feeling so ill that I thought maybe I'd get an early positive. With Super Boy, I didn't feel ill until I was about 6-7 weeks pregnant with him, so I thought that if I was feeling sick before even missing my period, maybe it could be two babies, since they say your hcG levels are much higher with more than one baby. So, I took a test on Tuesday, just to see. It was negative, but I wasn't totally discouraged since my period wasn't due until yesterday and today was technically 14 days post-IUI.

I took a test this morning. It was negative.

I know it's not over 'til Aunt Flo sings. But having been down this road 49 other times and having it end the same way each and every time, I'm not feeling terribly hopeful that this time will be different.

I can't lie: I'm heartbroken. Especially because I really thought we had finally cracked the code this time. I've been feeling so positive and hopeful about this attempt, and I really thought this was it. We tried the new medication this time, everything looked ideal at my mid-cycle ultrasound, I ovulated naturally and we timed everything as perfectly as possible with IUI, etc. There's no reason it shouldn't have worked.

But it appears that it didn't. And I just want to know why. That's all - I just want to know WHY.

We have three shots at IUI left. I've got three more months of hoping and praying and waiting. I can't think about what happens if they all fail; I'm not ready to face that yet. And, honestly, I can't go into them believing they'll fail or else... what's the point of going through them at all?

I see pregnant women everywhere. At school, in the grocery store, at Super Boy's swim lessons, walking past my house. I want so badly to be one of them again. My heart remembers what it was like to have a little life growing inside me, but my body can't seem to remember how to do it.

Just one more time. That's all I'm asking: just one more time.

I look at Super Boy and I can't believe how blessed I am to have him. I've always known he was a miracle, but I feel it even more now, because he's it: he's the only piece of Super Man and I that we have, and he's so incredibly amazing and special and wonderful and I love him more than I ever imagined I could love someone. I want another baby as much for him as for us, because he will be the best big brother in the history of big brothers.

So, my heart hurts today. I'll live; it's not like I haven't been through this before. I just need some time to get my head back in the game again.

Please, pray for us. Send us babydust, good juju, whatever might help. And thank you. Thank you for following our journey, for listening to me hope and grieve over and over again, for supporting us. I can't tell you how much it means.

xoxo
SW

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