Thursday, May 27, 2010

falling

I had to go in last Wednesday and again yesterday for follow-up blood tests to make sure my hcG level is dropping to reflect a completed miscarriage. It was 193 last week, and fell to 11.4 yesterday. Hopefully this means I'll be at 0 for next week's blood test.

The sooner the better. I want to put this behind me, to have tangible closure. I'm eager to move forward, to get to a good place again, emotionally just because I need to get there again and physically so that we can try again. I don't want to rush things, of course - but I do want to move forward.

I feel like we've spent soooooo much time in holding patterns throughout this whole process. The first year we tried to conceive, we assumed things were fine and we just weren't getting the timing right. We waited to seek help. The second year we tried to conceive, when I was really starting to get concerned, we sought some help but our insurance wouldn't cover ANY fertility testing, much less fertility treatment, so we just kept trying and praying. The third year we tried to conceive, Super Man lost his job due to layoffs, so we stopped trying for four months and waited for him to make his next career move, not wanting to get pregnant if we had no income and no insurance coverage. Thankfully, Super Man accepted a fabulous position at a great company that had excellent insurance, insurance that covered fertility testing and treatment up to and including IUI. Even then, however, we had to wait to see the specialist, wait for more testing to be done, wait for my surgery to remove the uterine polyps, wait to heal from that, and then wait to see if each month of IUI worked.

It's one thing to wait 9 months for a baby to be born; it's entirely another to wait, and wait, and wait just to get pregnant. My patience - already thin and patchy for, oh, my entire life - is virtually non-existent now. I know I can't control this, at all. As frustrating as that is, as much as this body belongs to ME, I have no control over what it does in this regard. The sooner we can get back on track with our fertility treatments, the sooner - hopefully - I will be pregnant again. That is worth the wait. That and that alone.

I can't tell you how grateful I am that this is all going on now, in late spring going into summer. I've always had issues with seasonal affective disorder (undiagnosed, of course - but I hold a degree in psychology and I know the symptoms) in fall and winter, and I know that if this were happening then I'd be in utter despair. At least I have sunshine and warm weather and fun activities to distract me from some of this, and that's huge for me.

Things will be okay. Each day that passes will get me closer to where I want to be. I am holding onto that.

With greatest hope,
SW

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