I had planned to write a much different post here today than the one I find myself writing now. A much different post.
I don't know how else to say it, so I'm just going to come right out and say it.
I found out on Wednesday 4/28 that our third IUI attempt worked: I was actually pregnant, after 49 long months of trying. I was sooooo excited.... It took every ounce of restraint I had not to scream it from my rooftop and tell everyone I'd ever met, not to mention write post after post about it here. As it was, I told a dozen people over the past 2 weeks, many because they asked how our third IUI attempt went and I didn't want to lie to them considering that I've been SO open and forthcoming with information on every step of our journey.
I started going through Super Boy's baby things, checked his old car seats to see if they were still usable (they have expiration dates, apparently, of 5-6 years, so NONE of them are still "good" from when Super Boy used them), and even started buying some summer maternity clothes from eBay because all the maternity clothes I have are cold weather clothes, as I found out I was expecting Super Boy in September and had him in May. I knitted my first two baby hats, and have been working on a baby blanket. I shifted everything in my world to focus on preparing for a new little miracle to arrive.
I had a 7-week ultrasound today with my Super Doctor, expecting to see my teensy-tiny growing baby (or babies) and see at least one heart beating. Instead, as soon as he found the egg sac, I knew something was wrong. There was only an empty circle -- no baby or anything else inside it. My heart sank and I fought back tears, hoping and praying he'd find another one somewhere else in my uterus with a baby growing in it. He didn't.
It's called a "blighted ovum" and is considered a miscarriage. I've had no spotting or bleeding of any kind. I've had swollen, tender breasts for weeks. I've had nausea so bad I've been back on my old morning sickness cocktail of Vitamin B6 and Unisom for nearly 2 weeks already. I've been exhausted and emotional. I was pregnant.
and now I'm not
My Super Doctor offered me three options:
1) Wait and let it pass on its own, probably in the next 2-4 weeks.
2) Put me on an intravaginal medication that will make me cramp and bleed heavily to force it to pass.
3) Schedule a D&C.
He recommended option #1, which is the one I was more comfortable with anyway. I don't want to be incapacitated in any way because Super Boy's 7th birthday and party are next weekend, and I don't want this to ruin that at all. So now we wait for the empty egg sac to go away on its own, and then give my body a month to rest, and then re-start IUI again.
I'm devastated. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I've wanted this so much, for so long, that to finally hear the words, "You're pregnant!" again was literally magical, miraculous, insanely wonderful. To find out that, yes, I was pregnant but something didn't work out right was just heartbreaking. God bless my doctor - he was so kind and sensitive in talking to me about it and discussing what will happen and how we proceed, that that alone made me cry. He hates delivering this kind of bad news, and I can't blame him one bit. He sees those of us who have agonized and tried for YEARS, and to finally give good news and then have to give condolences can't be easy. Regardless, this is going to be a very hard, very dark day for me.
On the other hand. As I was talking to my doctor, I asked him: "Despite the fact that this didn't stick, it IS a good thing that SOMETHING happened this time, right? I actually did get pregnant - it just didn't make it. So this isn't all bad, right?"
He said that as ironic as it sounds, yes - this actually is a good thing. We now know that I CAN get pregnant. We also know that we had the right components this last time we did IUI, with the new medication that I tolerated so well. He feels very optimistic that once this situation is behind us, we can resume IUI and get the outcome we really want: a healthy baby.
So despite the fact that I'm devastated and heartbroken that this baby wasn't meant to stay with us, I firmly believe that it was a little angel letting us know that we shouldn't give up, that our miracle is still out there. And I feel hopeful that maybe next time will be the right time, and the right baby.
With a heavy heart,