Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy today. Super Man's older sister, her three grown sons and my mother- and father-in-law are currently in Italy. My sister-in-law has been on Facebook posting pictures and status updates daily, and just seeing the beautiful pictures and reading her joyful updates warms my heart.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but in case I haven't, Super Man's family is 100% Italian. My father-in-law was born in the U.S. (his father was born in Italy), and he had never been to Italy. My mother-in-law was born in Italy, but her family moved to the U.S. when she was two or three years old, and she had never been back -- until now, 75 years later.

My father-in-law is one of the most laid back and easy-going people I know (Super Man gets it from him), but he does NOT like to travel, especially by plane. My mother-in-law has a far more adventurous spirit in that regard and has always wanted to return to Italy to visit the family members that stayed behind, but she had some unpleasant matters to deal with early on in the past decade and then has been plagued with some moderate health issues for the past few years, so travel wasn't high on her agenda.

But then my sister-in-law -- who has wanted to take a family trip to Italy forever -- finally convinced my mother- and father-in-law to go with her and her sons this year. When I heard the news, I couldn't believe that my father-in-law had actually agreed to go, but I was so excited that he had. I knew that my mother-in-law was thrilled, but I also knew she would be concerned about how she'd do physically, between the long travel days on cramped airplanes and then all the walking and traveling they'd do during their 10 days in Italy. Still, she refused to let it hold her back, and from the sounds of it, she's having the time of her life back in her home country.

The pictures have been beautiful - the weather is gorgeous (although hot), the sites they've seen have been amazing, and best of all was seeing the town where my mother-in-law was born, the church where she was baptized, and the tombstone of her maternal grandmother. I can just picture how happy she is there, among her Italian cousins, seeing the place her parents lived before moving stateside. And I've been relieved to hear that she's held up physically despite the long days of walking and sight-seeing.

I only wish we could be there with them! We thought about going with them, but it just wasn't going to work financially this year. Plus, with Super Boy being only 7, it might've been too much for him with the long flights and all the walking.

Still, though. The thought of Super Boy and Super Girl being able to experience Italy for the first time with their Italian grandparents is incredibly compelling. And while my in-laws are still active and in relatively good health, they're in their late 70s and this could very well be one of the last opportunities - if not the last opportunity - for them to take a trip of this magnitude. We just have to hope that maybe in another year or two the stars will all align again for them to make the trip and we can go with next time.

In the meantime, I pray that the rest of their trip goes as smoothly and wonderfully as the past three days have. I just love the idea of them in ITALY!


Monday, July 19, 2010

i'm ba-aaaaaack!

Irony kills me. Post-Miscarriage Period #1 showed up on June 15, exactly 1 month after the miscarriage actually began (May 15). Post-Miscarriage Period #2 showed up on July 14, exactly 2 months after I found out I was going to miscarry imminently (May 14). Hardy har har.

All that unpleasantness aside, I've been given the all clear to start trying again. This makes me happy!

When Post-Miscarriage Period #2 arrived, I called my Super Fertility Specialist (SFS)'s office and spoke to one of the nurses, letting her know it had arrived and I was expecting to re-start IUI this cycle. At first, she tried to convince me to wait yet ANOTHER month, because she claimed that the doctors prefer that a woman wait THREE cycles after a miscarriage. I tried to stay calm and not scream at her that I was SICK TO DEATH of waiting, after FOUR years and FOUR months of trying for another baby and one very sad miscarriage. I managed to calmly explain to her that my SFS had told me on the day we found out the pregnancy had stopped that he just wanted me to wait TWO full cycles, since my miscarriage was simply to expel a fertilized & implanted -- but EMPTY -- egg sac that stopped developing shortly after 4 weeks of pregnancy. It's not like I was 10 or 12 or more weeks and lost an otherwise live and growing pregnancy.

She resisted. I insisted she talk to my SFS and get back to me.

And, man, I LOVE my SFS because sure enough the nurse called back and said, "OK, Dr. _____ said it was fine for you to go ahead and start IUI again this cycle."

Ha! Ha ha HA!

I knew he would see it my way. I mean, honestly, I would've been happy to wait if my body had gone through a more traumatic miscarriage, but mine was about as simple and uncomplicated as they come (although it certainly wasn't pleasant going through it), so it seemed silly to wait "just because."

Unfortunately, as Super Man and I were looking ahead in our calendars at the week we'd be having IUI, we realized that the MAJOR-HUGE-STRESSFUL meetings he's spent MONTHS preparing for are all happening that week, and specifically on the day that I would most likely ovulate and need to have IUI.

Nonetheless, I will not be deterred. (I'm good that way.) I'm taking Femara again, as I did for IUI attempt #3 when I actually FINALLY got pregnant, and I'll start taking ovulation predictor tests on Sunday, and hopefully I won't ovulate until after Super Man is done with the meetings and can relax and make it to his part of the appointment for IUI. And, if he can't and the timing just won't work for IUI, then we're going to try like crazy on our own and hope that the pregnancy that didn't make it at least got all the equipment working again and makes it easier for me to conceive without us having to do IUI.

Either way, I'm cool with it. As long as we can try again, with or without IUI, that's good with me. I still believe our other baby is just waiting for the right time to manifest itself in my belly. So, I wait.

wishing on stars,

Thursday, July 8, 2010

bumps everywhere

What the hell is in the water lately? I should say what the hell is in EVERYONE ELSE'S WATER, since it seems like everywhere I go and everywhere I look, there are women sporting baby bumps of varying sizes. I see them everywhere -- except when I look in the mirror at my own babyless belly. And it's driving me nuts.

I'm really not exaggerating this either. I see them EVERY SINGLE DAY, no matter where I go or what I'm doing.

I walk into the grocery store admiring the cute outfit on the woman ahead of me, and sure enough, when she turns sideways there's a baby belly.

I drive down the street and see a woman jogging along on the sidewalk, and as I pass her I see a baby belly. (Never mind that I don't even jog when I'm NOT pregnant.)

I'm innocently folding laundry and watching a t.v. show - not a cutesy-tootsie one, but like a CSI-type show, with blood and gore and crime - and one of the main characters (a serial killer, no less) is hugely pregnant.

I flip the channel and land on a commercial where there's yet another pregnant woman.

I log onto Facebook one night to find that one of my exes and his wife are expecting another baby (their first is 8 months old), and she's due a week before I was.

I go to a 4th of July cookout and find out that a neighbor is pregnant again.

I'm driving to the grocery store and I see a couple walking along pushing a stroller with a toddler in it and - oh, lo and behold - the woman is pregnant with another.

Super Boy and I go to the ice cream shop to get him a smoothie (just this afternoon, in fact) and there's no one in there but us. As we leave, a woman walks in sporting a good-sized baby bump. Oh - and bonus! - I passed another one in the parking lot on the way back to my van.

Honest to God, it seems like just about everyone is pregnant except me. First babies, second babies, third babies, fourth babies. Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.

And all I can think about is that I would've been 15 weeks pregnant tomorrow, had everything turned out with my April pregnancy. I would've been past the first trimester, showing, and just about 4 months pregnant. I think about that every single day, and I'm sure I will until my due-date-that-was of 1/1/11 passes. Unless by some miracle from God I end up pregnant again by then. And even then.

Why does it have to be so hard???

What happened to me, to my body, that is making this so damned difficult??? It's supposed to be easier than this!

God, I think about all the years I spent trying NOT to get pregnant while I waited for "the right time" to start a family, and I desperately wish I could go back and rethink that whole thing and get off birth control and start trying sooner. What if I missed my window of opportunity by just a year even?

It's maddening, I tell you. I have no control over this, over my own frickin' body, and it makes me furious. Every time I see another baby bump I want to crawl into bed and cry. As it is, I immediately avert my eyes. I can't even stand to look at them because it triggers an actual physical ache in my body and my heart.

And don't even get me started on listening to nearly-due pregnant women who complain about how they feel or how they hate being pregnant. If I HAD a left nut, I'd gladly give it to be in their shoes. Gladly. Any damn day of the week. I LOVED being pregnant with Super Boy. Loved it, loved it, loved it, and truly couldn't wait to experience it again. To hear anyone complain about it makes me want to scream.

This is hell. Everyone has their own version; I accept that. This is mine.